What is Aware Parenting?
A compassionate approach to parenting that looks beneath behaviour and supports connection, emotional expression and loving limits, without rewards or punishments.
Aware Parenting completely changed the way I understood children and myself as a parent. Developed by developmental psychologist Dr Aletha Solter, Aware Parenting brings together attachment style parenting, non-punitive discipline and an understanding of children's emotions and behaviour. If you'd like to explore the foundations of the approach, you can find out about the 4 basic assumptions, 3 aspects and the 10 Principles of Aware Parenting here.
Rather than asking simply, “How do I stop this behaviour?”, it invites us to become curious:
What might my child be communicating?
Is there an unmet need?
Do they need information or a loving limit?
Or are there feelings that need to be heard and expressed?
For me, this is where Aware Parenting goes beyond many approaches to gentle parenting. It isn't about permissiveness or getting every response “right”. It's about understanding what sits underneath behaviour while maintaining connection and clear, loving boundaries.
Below you'll find an introduction to the Aware Parenting philosophy developed by Dr Aletha Solter, reproduced with permission from the Aware Parenting Institute.
The Aware Parenting Philosophy
Below you'll find an introduction to the Aware Parenting philosophy developed by Dr Aletha Solter, reproduced with permission from the Aware Parenting Institute. You can also explore the 4 Basic Assumptions, 3 Aspects and the 10 Principles of Aware Parenting here.
Aware Parenting is a child rearing approach developed by Dr. Aletha Solter. It is based on research in the fields of attachment, child development, psychotherapy, cross-cultural studies, and the neurobiology of trauma. Parents who follow this approach raise children who are cooperative, compassionate, competent, nonviolent, and drug free.
WHO IS DR. ALETHA SOLTER?
Dr. Aletha Solter is a Swiss-American developmental psychologist who studied with Dr. Jean Piaget in Switzerland before earning her Ph.D. at the University of California. She is the author of five books and is recognised internationally as an expert on attachment, trauma, and non-punitive discipline.
HOW IS "AWARE PARENTING" DIFFERENT FROM "ATTACHMENT PARENTING"?
Aware Parenting is a form of attachment parenting. We recommend breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing and prompt responsiveness to crying. Aware Parenting adds another element by recognising the stress-release function of crying in addition to its communication function.
HOW IS AWARE PARENTING DIFFERENT FROM THE CRY-IT-OUT APPROACH (CONTROLLED CRYING)?
Aware Parenting strongly opposes all cry-it-out approaches and sleep training methods. Research has shown that babies have higher stress hormone levels when they are left alone to cry. We therefore recommend maintaining close connection when babies or children cry.
DOES AWARE PARENTING SUPPORT THE USE OF CORPORAL PUNISHMENT?
Aware Parenting strongly opposes the use of corporal punishment. Research has shown that spanking can increase children’s aggressive behaviour and lead to emotional problems later in life such as anxiety, depression, and substance abuse.
DOES AWARE PARENTING SUPPORT THE USE OF TIME-OUT?
Aware Parenting strongly opposes the use of time-out. Research has shown that the use of time-out can make children feel insecure and can actually increase power struggles between parents and children. Children with behaviour problems need connection, not disconnection.
DOES AWARE PARENTING SUPPORT THE USE OF LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES?
Aware Parenting does not support the use of any artificially contrived consequences for misbehaviour, because this approach can lead to resentment toward the parents and damage the parent/child relationship.
DOES AWARE PARENTING SUPPORT THE USE OF BEHAVIOURAL TECHNIQUES SUCH AS STAR CHARTS OR OTHER REWARD SYSTEMS?
Aware Parenting does not support the use of rewards or bribes. Research indicates that the use of rewards can backfire by reducing children’s intrinsic motivation.
IS AWARE PARENTING A FORM OF PERMISSIVE PARENTING?
Aware Parenting is not permissive parenting. We teach parents how to maintain loving limits, encourage cooperation, and solve behaviour problems.
HOW DOES AWARE PARENTING SOLVE BEHAVIOUR PROBLEMS WITHOUT PUNISHMENTS OR REWARDS?
Aware Parenting solves behaviour problems by addressing the underlying needs and feelings. We recognise disconnection, unmet needs, lack of information, stress, and unhealed trauma as primary causes of behaviour problems.
ARE THERE ANY SPECIFIC AWARE PARENTING "TOOLS" OR TECHNIQUES?
One of the basic Aware Parenting tools is respectful listening, especially when children express painful emotions. Other important tools include specific kinds of playful interactions that strengthen the parent/child connection while also helping children heal from stress or trauma. These tools play a major role in solving behaviour problems.
IS IT EVER TOO LATE TO START USING AWARE PARENTING?
No, it is never too late to start using Aware Parenting and improve your relationship with your children. You can start this approach even with teenagers.
HOW CAN I LEARN MORE ABOUT AWARE PARENTING?
You can learn more by reading Dr. Aletha Solter’s books and attending her workshops. There are also workshops run by numerous certified instructors around the world. The Aware Parenting website also contains numerous free articles written by Dr. Aletha Solter.
WHAT ARE THE TITLES OF THE BOOKS?
Dr. Aletha Solter's five books have been translated into many languages. The English titles are: The Aware Baby; Helping Young Children Flourish; Tears and Tantrums; Raising Drug-Free Kids; Attachment Play, Raising Lifelong Learners. They are available from major online booksellers.
Copyright © 2013-2014 by Dr. Aletha Solter. Published with permission from the Aware Parenting Institute. www.awareparenting.com
What does Aware Parenting look like in real family life?
Understanding the philosophy is one thing. Living it when your toddler is hitting, your child is melting down, nobody is sleeping, or you can feel yourself about to shout is something else entirely.
This is the work I love supporting parents with.
We explore what's happening underneath your child's behaviour, how you can respond with connection and loving limits, and importantly what these difficult moments bring up for you.
You don't need to practise Aware Parenting perfectly.
You don't need to have read all the books.
And you don't need to have everything figured out.
IIf you're curious about this approach, or would like support with your child's behaviour, big feelings, sleep or something that keeps leaving you feeling stuck, you're very welcome to book a free discovery call with me.